Jeff's Blog

Review

Jeff — Sat, 27 Feb 2010 23:28:47 +0000

Hey guys, I wrote a review on my Humber experience for the website Art School Reviews.

Check out this very cool and informative website at

http://www.artschoolreviews.ca/

Thanks,
Jeff McEnery

The Tim Sims Encouragement Award

Jeff — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 08:40:34 +0000

After writing about my top ten bombs, I figured I should vindicate myself by writing about one of my achievements, just so you don’t get the impression that I shit the bed every night. The following is my story about winning the Tim Sims Encouragement Award in 2005. Included in this story are tales of strippers, thievery, accomplishment and even a Wayne Gretzky anecdote. I hope you enjoy it. First though, here’s a brief explanation of the origins of the Tim Sims Encouragement Award and how the winner is determined.

Tim Sims was a Toronto comedian who passed away in 1995. In 1997, The Tim Sims Encouragement Award was established in Tim Sims honour. Every year, a young and upcoming comedian is awarded the Tim Sims Encouragement Award along with a cash prize which increases on a yearly basis (it was $3,500 in 2005) and their own short film produced by the Comedy Network. The whole process is headed up by Tim Sims widow, Lindsay Leese, who also presents the award to the winner.

Every September, 20 or so Toronto area comedians, who have been performing for roughly two years, are selected to perform a four minute set at the “Fresh Meat” showcase. A panel of judges then selects the five nominees for that year’s Tim Sims Encouragement Award. The five nominees then perform a 15 minute set at a second showcase, which is held about three weeks later. The nominees then hand in a submission package comprised of a letter of recommendation, a tape of some of their other comedic performances and any press that they may have received. The jury then meets about one week after the second showcase and determines a winner. The winner of that year’s Tim Sims Encouragement Award is then announced at the end of the Cream of Comedy, which is a Comedy Network special where all five nominees perform.

I started to perform comedy in 2003, and was a little disappointed when I was left off the Fresh Meat showcase in 2004. Being left off the showcase turned out to be a blessing in disguise though as improved greatly over the next year and was more than ready when the 2005 Fresh Meat Showcase rolled around. I had a dynamite set at the showcase and the following Sunday, Lindsay Leese phoned to inform me that I had been nominated for the 2005 Tim Sims Encouragement Award.

About a week after being nominated, I headed down to the CTV studios to film the intro video that would be played before my set at the Cream of Comedy television taping. The intro video was supposed be about how I generated my stand-up material. I had just written a bit about how awkward lap dances can be, so I suggested it for the intro video. (The inspiration for the joke came on my 21st birthday when an uninspired Russian stripper took a break from giving me a lap dance to change her ringtone. Swear to God.) When I showed up at the CTV studios I was shocked to see that they’d constructed a sleazy strip club VIP room complete with a smoke machine and an actual stripper. Teddy Wilson, the host of Fresh Meat, who had supposedly “cast” the stripper tried to convince me that this woman was a legitimate actress but the sizeable bruise on her ass lead me to believe otherwise. I was incredibly nervous about the video as I had never acted on camera before. Luckily, the stripper and I had incredible chemistry together, in that we had no chemistry whatsoever. I was just as uncomfortable during the video shoot as I was the night of my 21st birthday, so I really didn’t have to stretch my acting muscles all that much. The video turned out great.

The Tim Sims also generated some press for me for the first time in my career. Now Magazine, The Toronto Star and The Toronto Sun all featured stories about the upcoming Cream of Comedy taping. Even my hometown newspaper, The Acton Tanner, ran a two paragraph article about me in which I credited all my comedic success to my high school “Improve” club teacher Mrs. Ross. Almost all of the press was favourable, with the exception of one sour journalist who warned “These comedians wont make you forget about Jim Carrey, or even Hockey Night In Canada’s Ron MacLean for that matter.” Now Jim Carrey I’m not, but I think I can come up with wittier barbs than “You can call him Cherry, you can call him Grapes, just don’t call him a fruit! Leafs-Sabres second period coming up.”

I even did my first television interview with some poptart from SUN TV who asked me,
“So what’s your best funny?”
“Ugh?” came my confused response.
“You know, a funny, like a joke.”
“Oh Um…Well a lot of my material’s personal you know.”
“Uh huh. So give us one of your best funnies!”
“Um Ugh…” I stumbled for a good ten seconds before a shitty self-deprecating joke popped into my head.
“Um, in high school I looked like an acne-riddled toilet brush.” I then faked laughed at my own terrible joke hoping that Poptart would do the same.
“Oh that’s sad. Well good luck in the contest.”

Truly, a television debut for the ages.

Also nominated for the Tim Sims Encouragement Award that year were Pat Thornton, Bob Kerr, Kathleen Phillips and Mack Lawrenz, all of whom are incredibly talented people. Yes, we were quite a powerhouse group despite the fact that none of us were as funny as Ron MacLean and that our Cream of Comedy special is currently rated a 3.1/10 on IMDB.com, a full .2 points lower than the Hulk Hogan movie “No Holds Barred.”

After another strong set at the second showcase I handed in my submission package, (which included a beautifully penned letter of recommendation from Linda Ellis) and stressed out for a month until the Cream of Comedy taping which took place on November 18th 2005.

On the day of the Cream of Comedy television taping, the nominees were put through a tedious rehearsal during which we had to perform our entire set word-for-word to an empty theatre, while the crew was setting up the stage. The five of us sped through our acts to an utter silence that was broken up only occasionally by sound of a lighting guy farting. Needless to say, I don’t think any of us were with filled with confidence following that rehearsal. Later, the nominees and crew went out for dinner at Gretzky’s. The food was good but I’ve had a tainted view about Gretzky’s ever since my buddy Matt Duncan revealed to me a tragic story from his childhood. Apparently, when Matt was a kid he was eating at Gretzky’s when he spotted the Great One himself chowing down on some grub at a nearby table. Matt’s mom then delicately approached #99 and asked him if he’d sign an autograph for her son.

“Not while I’m eating my fries.” Wayne Gretzky scolded.

The Great One then left about five minutes later, without signing anything.

After dinner, the five nominees snuck into the greenroom at The Second City and waited for the show to begin. Every so often I would peak my head out to see if any of my friends or family had shown up. Fortunately, all of them did. Everyone was there; my mom and stepdad were there. My roommate Dave was there. My cousin Luke was there. My cousin Trav was there, despite the fact that the meathead had almost gotten himself kicked out of the Fresh Meat showcase for constructing a beer-amid at the front of stage during the show. After host Jon Dore kicked off the Cream of Comedy and Pat Thornton had a great set, I was introduced as “a kid with a fake ID and real talent” (which made no sense as I was 21 at the time) and then hit the stage for my first-ever televised stand-up appearance. The set ended up going pretty well, it certainly wasn’t my best performance but it was far from my worst. (“Great job Jeremy!”) I then sat down backstage until all of the other acts had finished performing. Eventually, the five of us were signalled to come to the backstage area for the award announcement. I remember staring down at the floor and shaking with anticipation when Lindsay Leese announced “The Winner of the 2005 Tim Sims Encouragement Award is Jeff McEnery!” With th
at I ran onstage and went to shake Lindsay Leese’s hand as we’d been repeatedly told to do so during the afternoon rehearsal. Lindsay had other ideas however, and when she went in for an impromptu hug the two of us collided and I ended up head butting her and partially breaking the award in the process. My one moment to look cool and I blow it. Unfazed, I gave my acceptance speech and was then serenaded by Jon Dore to close out the 2005 Cream of Comedy special. (Which is, once again, rated a 3.1 on IMDB.com, alongside Police Academy 6: City Under Siege)

The fun didn’t stop there though as after the show I was congratulated by my friends, family and fellow nominees. I’ll always remember how complimentary Bob Kerr was to me, telling me that he thought I deserved the award, even though Bob arguably had a better set than me that night. (Thanks Bob that meant a lot.) Unbelievably, this sentimental moment was eclipsed only minutes later when my cousin Luke smacked me on the back and told me “Fuckin’ right bud. I went out to take a piss and when I came back you were on stage with that chick holding up the award and I was like, fuck he must’ve won the fuckin’ thing.” My cousin Elaine then asked me to sign her Cream of Comedy poster, so I placed my award on the side of the stage and scribbled down my John Hancock. When I turned back to retrieve my award however, it was nowhere to be found. I mean it just disappeared into thin air. So I spent the next half hour accepting kudos and pretending to know where my damn award was. Finally after the crowd thinned out I confessed to Lindsay Leese that I’d lost the award. “Oh Jeff” Lindsay sighed. Poor Lindsay Leese, it hadn’t even been an hour since she’d announced that I’d won, and in that time I’d already head butted her, broke the award and then lost it all together. Lindsay and I searched the entire Second City Theatre before finally giving up. “Well, let me know if you find it.” A somewhat perturbed Lindsay Leese stated. With that I hopped on the streetcar and headed home.

Once I was back at my apartment I phoned my Nanny and then listened to a message my cousin Trav had left me. In the message, Trav explained that he couldn’t stick around after the show because he had to give some girl that he dated for about 8 minutes a ride home, but that he was happy for me and was very proud of me. I was so touched by this uncharacteristically “faggoty” message from my meathead cousin that I saved it on my phone for about two weeks and listened to it over and over again. As I sat down to watch SportsCentre, my slightly inebriated roommate barged through the door holding my award. “You found it!” I gullibly exclaimed. Dave burst out laughing of course, and then explained that when I’d placed my award on the stage he’d scooped it up and smuggled it out of the Second City under his coat. From there, Dave, along with my buddies Adam Kennedy and the Gretzky-snubbed Matt Duncan went out drinking with the award as if they were the ones who’d accomplished something. When I told Dave that I’d spent an hour looking for it and that I was pretty sure that Lindsay Leese was now pissed at me, the prick laughed even harder.

“I hate you, you son of a bitch.” I said, with a smile on my face.
“C’mon it’ll make for a good story. And I did the dishes today.” Dave reasoned.
“Fine. But you owe me a hot chocolate.”

The two of us then walked about 18 blocks along the chilly Lakeshore to the nearest Tim Hortons. That was my big after party. No bars, no drinking, not even an uninspired lap dance, I just walked to Tim Horton’s at 2 in the morning with my asshole prankster roommate.

It was the best day of my life.

Jeff McEnery

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Top Ten Bombs (So Far)

Jeff — Thu, 27 Dec 2007 02:48:53 +0000

Top Ten Bombs (So Far)

I love asking fellows comedians about their biggest bombs. To me there’s nothing more entertaining than a great bomb story, so with that in mind, I’ve compiled a list of my top ten bombs over my first four years as a stand-up comedian. With stops in B.C., Nova Scotia and all over southern Ontario, I’m proud to say I’ve shit the bed all across this great country. Without further ado, here’s my best of the worst.

#10 – The Yellow Griffin – Toronto, Ontario – Summer ‘04

After my first three jokes died, a bald guy with a goatee started to heckle me. I countered him with the line “Shut up Stone Cold Steve Autism” which earned me my only laugh of the night. Too bad I’d ripped the line off of my buddy Tyler Morrison. After another two of my jokes bombed I told Stone Cold “If you want me to get off the stage give me a hell ya.”
“Hell yah.” slurred baldie. With that I ended my 90 second set.

#9 – Fundraiser for the Rotary Club of Ajax – Yuk Yuk’s Ajax – April 2006

If I would have known the average age of an Ajax Rotary Club member was 87, I never would have agreed to this gig. The only laugh I got out of the sea of grey-hairs was when I told the crowd “The only reason you’re not laughing is because I remind every one in this crowd of their unemployed grandson.” Things got so bad I even sang Stompin’ Tom Conner’s The Hockey Song in it’s entirety, which was by far the hackiest thing I’ve ever done on stage, until I did it again at another terrible stand-up show in Acton. The song has grown on me however and it’s now become one of my bombing staples. If you’re ever at one of my shows and I bust out “The Hockey Song” (a.k.a. pissing on Richard Pryor’s grave) realize that it’s too late for me and save yourself. This show was so bad I cancelled all of my Yuk Yuk’s gigs for the rest of the month and didn’t do another set for three weeks.

#8 – The Stelco Fishing Awards and Comedy Night – Hamilton, Ont. – April 2006

This was the most fun I’ve had at an absolute hell gig. I owe it all to the show’s emcee, whose atrociously hacky act had headliner Peter Anthony and I in stitches. I felt better and better about myself with every outdated impression this guy did. That night I discovered that the only cure for tanking in front of 400 drunken fishermen in a church basement is watching a middle-aged man put on a toilet paper turban and belt out a song parody of Led Zepplin’s “Stairway to Heaven” entitled “He’s Buying a 7/11.”

#7 – Yuk Yuk’s Kitchener – June 2nd 2007

Don’t ask me why, but Yuk Yuk’s always sends me to this fuckin’ barn. I’ve played Yuk Yuk’s Kitchener far more than I have any other club (excluding the downtown Toronto club) and up until this night I had always done fairly well there. On this night though, my set went down the drain after getting into a verbal sparring match with a couple of trailer hitches in the front row. The feud reached its climax when one of the trailer hitches gave me a back handed compliment.

Drunk Chick From Kitchener – “Hey! Hey! You’re last joke was funny. I laughed at THAT one.”

Me – “Oh thank you dear that’s the validation I’ve been searching for. I’ve won award after award but I’ve never had some drunk bitch in Kitchener drunk off of three Mike’s Hard Lemonades…

Drunk Chick From Kitchener – “I’m not drinking Mike’s Hard, I’m drinking white wine.”

Me – “You’re not classy enough to be drinking white wine. Hey Buddy (pointing to her husband) get’er a Laker (a popular Ontario beer) and go fuck her in your truck.”

#6 – The “Concert for Etobicoke” – Etobicoke, Ontario – Summer ‘04

Don’t ask me how but my uncle Todd convinced me to do some stand-up in between bands at a rock show he was billing as “The Concert for Etobicoke.” Seeing as how I only had about four jokes at the time, I recruited fellow Humber students Steph Tolev, Andrew Chapman, Bredan McKeigan and Tyler Morrison to perform at the show as well. When I arrived at the venue, I was surprised to see only about 25 people in the audience and most them appeared to be north of 50. Eventually, I tracked down my uncle and inquired about the crowd. “Hey do you know anybody in the audience?” “Yah most of them go to my church.” It’s at that moment that I realized this wasn’t just a rock show, it was a Christian rock show. I decided to keep this knowledge to myself at the risk of pissing off the other performers. Steph didn’t want to be there anyways so she sped through her set and took off. Andrew Chapman and Brendan McKeigan fared pretty well, but my offensive jokes were greeted with stern silence. I angered the church elders so much when comedian Andrew Evans (who stopped by to do an ill-fated guest spot) did a fairly tame joke, a woman shouted “Clean it up!” They had know idea what was about to hit them.

The last comedian of the night was my buddy Tyler Morrison who was (and still is) one of the funniest / most offensive comics I’ve ever met. During a short intermission, I warned Morrison to take it easy on the conservative crowd. “I saw a chick in a wheelchair. I won’t do any of my wheelchair jokes.” Tyler assured me. I sat nervously in the crowd while Morrison took the stage and launched into his dynamite opening joke. “I got hit by a drunk driver the other day, yah my dad drove home from the bar and punched me in the face.” Just then an old woman who was seated next to the girl in the wheelchair, stood up and stormed up to the sound booth and tried to get Tyler’s mic cut off. Guess how the girl ended up in a wheelchair. It wouldn’t be the last time I’d disappoint my uncle.

#5 – The Office – Peterborough, Ontario – Summer 2005

About a year after pissing off the elders at his church, I coaxed my uncle into driving me and Dan Dunn (the emcee) to my first professional Yuk Yuk’s show. When we arrived at the venue, a run down bar in Peterborough, I saw at least five women wearing jean jackets and then watched as Dan Dunn tried unsuccessfully to use his comic status to get a free hotdog. Yes, after two years in the minors I’d finally made the big time. I only wish my debut in the bigs had gone better as I ate a shit sandwich for twelve minutes and then watched talented headliner Rob Ross destroy for over an hour.
On the drive back home, my uncle and Dan Dunn split a joint and talked about ZZ Top while I stared out the passenger window and tried not to cry.

#4 – Opening for Wilmot – Yuk Yuk’s Toronto – December 2005

A week after winning the Tim Sims Encouragement Award, I got the chance to middle the Saturday shows at the Yuk Yuk’s Superclub in downtown Toronto, Headlining that weekend was Mike Wilmot, who many consider to be the best in the business. I saw this as my chance to prove that I could hang with the best.

After dying the first show, I managed to convince myself that the crowd had simply been too old to relate to my material. As a much younger crowd filed in for the second show, my confidence grew back and I told Mike Wilmot “If I don’t kill this show, I’m quitting stand-up.”

“Time to apply to teacher’s college Jeffo.” I thought to myself after tanking for the second time that evening. Knowing Wilmot like I do now, I’m surprised he didn’t verbally tear my shit-talking rookie ass apart after the show. Instead Mike simply offered his condolences and I went home, drank a mickey of Alberta Premium and puked in my shower.*

*This bomb actually has a happy ending. The very next night I was up at Yuk Yuk’s again and killed. Afterwards, Wilmot and his friend the hilarious Lewis Black (who had also performed that night) both complimented me on my set. To this day it remains one of the highlights of my career and to this day fuckin’ Wilmot still rips on me for almost shitting my pants after meeting Lewis Black.

#3 – Big Leagues – Cole Harbour, Nova Scotia – August 5th 2007

As soon as I stepped foot in the ironically named “Big Leagues” Sports Bar in Cole Harbour, Nova Scotia, I knew I was fucked. The interior of the bar hadn’t been changed since the 1970’s (patrons included.) Twelve minutes and zero laughs later, (even The Hockey Song died) headliner Chuck Byrn came to my rescue and I spent the next hour wandering around, taking in the sights and smells of downtown Cole Harbour. When I returned to the bar, I was astonished to see Chuck still on stage. For the first time in a long time, I felt like a total amateur.

#2 – Can’t Remember The Name of the Bar So Let’s Go With “Satan’s Asshole” – Williams Lake, B.C. – November 21st 2007

The patrons of Big Leagues seem cultured compared to the barflies in this hillbilly shithole. This was every comic’s worst nightmare, with tv’s blaring above me and a group of drunk loggers playing pool directly beside the stage, I lasted fifteen minutes (which is twelve minutes longer than your average Williams Lake spelling bee) and then closed my HBO special by saying “Thanks guys I’d like to stick around but if you’ll excuse me my belt has a date with my neck.”

#1 – Master of Ceremonies at my Cousin Bob’s Wedding – Caledon, Ontario – Fall 2005

Oh God was this a nightmare. I’d been dreading emceeing my cousin’s wedding since the day I’d foolishly agreed to do so. Thankfully the eccentric Japanese wedding photographers Bob and his wife Lindsay had hired took forever setting up and I was told to cut my “little comedy skit” short due to time restraints. I only told one joke and even that proved to be too many as my zinger only elicited three slight chuckles out of a room of well over 200 people. All I had to do now was introduce the wedding party and conduct the speeches. Well I forgot the wife’s parents last name and the mic cut out on me for the 700th time during my speech. I was so brutal not one family member complimented me afterwards. Instead one of the eccentric Japanese wedding photographers shook my hand and said “Great job Jeremy.”

The humiliation didn’t end there however. Immediately following the reception came the dance where every member of the wedding party was forced to take part some complicated line dance. Having no coordination whatsoever I angrily clusterfucked my way through four minutes of “Boot Scootin’ Boogie.” At the end of the song, the smart-ass deejay pointed straight at me and announced “Looks like somebody needs to work on his dance steps eh!” which garnered a bigger laugh from my relatives than my one joke had just hours before. “Shut up and play ‘Butterfly Kisses’ asshole.” I mumbled as I stomped off to bed well before 10pm.

Jeff McEnery

Starting Out as a Stand-Up Comedian

Jeff — Mon, 16 Apr 2007 16:00:27 +0000

I always thought I’d make a pretty good stand-up comic. When I was a kid I loved watching the new episodes of Just for Laughs Festival that would air on the CBC every summer. The first stand-up special I can remember seeing was Mike McDonald’s on CBC. I couldn’t watch it the night it aired because it was on too late, but my parents taped it for me. Recently, I found that special amidst of pile of blank tapes at my mom’s house. My mom and dad neglected to label any of these damn tapes so I spent an afternoon watching them and, in addition to the Mike McDonald special, I found Game 6 of the 1992 World Series and a dreadful Don Cherry roast from the early 90’s. The roast is painfully unfunny but I can remember my old man killing himself at some of Dennis Hull’s zingers. Anyway, I watched the Mike McDonald special again and it was still as funny as remember it being when I was a kid. I enjoy Mike McDonald’s personal style, it’s very similar to that of my comedic idol’s Richard Pryor’s. Richard Pryor was another comic I’ve loved since I was a kid. While it might not have been the most popular Wilder-Pryor vehicle, both my mom and I love the movie Hear No Evil, See No Evil. In my last year of high school, I really started to study Pryor’s stand-up. I watched Live On the Sunset Strip and it made a big impact on me and my comedy. If I were to ever teach stand-up my first act as teacher would be to make my student’s watch that movie. In the summer of 2003, just before I was to begin attending classes at Humber’s Comedy: Writing and Performance program, I began writing some stand-up. I mimicked both Pryor and McDonald in that I wrote about stuff that was close to my heart. I’m sure if I saw those writings now I’d think they were terrible but at least I already had a grasp of the style of comedy I wanted to perform.

My first set was on September 30th 2003 on Yuk Yuk’s Humber Night. I was nervous as hell and to make matters worse, my old drama teacher Mrs. Ross had organized a field trip, so over fifty students and teachers from my old high school showed up to watch me pop my stand-up cherry. I was introduced on to the stage by the legendary Stu Gallagher. Stu was a hilarious character. A Humber comedy student who was north of 40 and looked like the dude from Neon Rider, Stu’s honest-to-God closer was “What’s a ghost favourite drink?” “BOOOOOOZE!” I hopped on to the stage and nervously gripped the mic. My first act on stage was leaning forward with the mic and growling “HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHTTTAAA???!!!” I sounded like a lead singer of shitty cover band trying to illicit a crowd response from the 7 bums that frequent Manny Road House in Acton. I then proceeded to perform two of the shittiest, hackiest minutes of stand-up comedy Humber Night has ever seen. (And anyone who has seen a Humber Night would realize that’s no small feat.) I was bad, really bad. Due to the biased crowd I did get a good response though. As I was leaving the stage the guys from my old Improv team even threw some ladies underwear at me that they had purchased from the Acton Salvation Army earlier that day. After the show, I went to say goodbye to Mrs. Ross and when I boarded the bus all the field trippers gave me a standing ovation. That was a cool feeling. The standing ovation was undeserved, but it was still a cool feeling nonetheless.

It was obvious I wasn’t a natural when it came to stand-up. Luckily a 2nd year in the Humber Comedy Program took me under his wing. His name was Tyler Morrison and he was, and still is, my favourite stand-up to watch. Tyler’s a hick from Bracebridge, who is, without a doubt, the smartest guy to ever rock a Wendel Clark fu manchu and one of the best joke writers I’ve ever met. His material is as sharp as it is edgy and if one were ever to see Morrison perform in front of his crowd they’d be blown away. Tyler helped me out a lot with joke structure and word play and would throw me the occasional tag line as well. He truly is the best comic nobody’s ever heard of. I hope that will change soon.

Despite Tyler’s tutelage it wasn’t until December 5th 2003 that I finally had a “killer” set. Fast and Dirty are a musical/improvisational duo comprised of Gord Oxley and Rob Hawke. Gord was good friends with my drama teacher and invited me to do a set at their CD release party. Coincidentally enough I had been in the audience the night their CD was recorded 8 months earlier as Mrs. Ross had arranged that field trip as well. My friends Creed, Mandy and my cousin Trav showed up to the Victory Café as I nervously studied the small crowd. I was really anxious about the thought of bombing in front of my friends. Much to my surprise however the diminutive audience was very receptive and my handful of
Acton jokes killed. It was a great feeling to realize that in less than a year I had gone from watching these guys perform to performing alongside them and doing quite well at that. Gord came up to me after the show and told me that I had done a great job and even paid be 20 bucks. That was the first time I had ever been paid to do comedy so that remains a special memory to this day.

After the Fast and Dirty show I milked that Acton set for all it was worth. Hell, I still am. I knew I was on to something when on my 10th set I killed at Spirits, which is arguably Toronto’s best open-mic. I decided to stay in Toronto for the summer of 2004, while most Humber students retreated back home. That turned out to be a very smart decision as I began hitting up open-mics more frequently despite the fact that I probably had only 8 jokes at the time. One of my most memorable open-mic experiences happened at the Victory Pub. A British guy named Steve who referred to himself as “The Cheeky Chef” used to run this shithole. It was held every Thursday night in the basement a sports bar. The mic was situated right in front of this huge window that offered a view of the street and bypassing Torontonians. Since the audience consisted of the same eight open-mic losers every week nobody ever got any laughs. One night a comic named Rob Balsdon stuck his head out the window and struck up a conservation with one of the people on the street, made fun of them and actually cracked all of the open-micers up. Well ever since that night, the open-micers had got in their heads that “If that Rob guy could do that and kill then I sure as hell can to.” So half way through their sets, after all of their shitty jokes had tanked, these guys would panic and start hollering out the window. Inevitably some curious person would look peak their head in the window to see what the hell was going on. At that point the open-micer would start riffing with them for about 40 seconds before the bystander would become disinterested and walk away. For reasons I can’t explain now, perhaps either dedication or stupidity, I went to do a set at the Victory Pub on my 20th birthday. Victory Pub was its usual horrible self but the night was made slightly more bearable because a few of my college buddies accompanied me that night. My friend Will even got up and did a set – and died – like everyone else. I had an okay set though, probably because my friends were nice enough to fake laugh for me on my birthday. As my set came to a close I decided that I should do a hilarious window bit as well. But instead of simply to talking to somebody, I should climb out the damn window and walk onto the street. That’d get a hell of a big laugh. Well I did and it didn’t. So now here I was on some street in Toronto having just crawled out of a window for a cheap laugh – which never appeared. So I thought to myself “Fuck it.” “I’m not going back in there.” I couldn’t face those open-micers after making such an unfunny, grand exit. So I walked around in circles outside the Victory Pub for the next half hour until the show ended, leaving my friends stuck at this terrible open-mic not knowing the whereabouts of the asshole that had dragged them there in the first place.

I got to be pretty good friends with Linda Ellis over my first year at Humber. Linda Ellis is a stand-up comic who works for Humber College. Linda is also in charge of booking the Humber nights at Yuk Yuk’s. Linda liked me and thought I showed some potential so she booked me for a lot of Humber nights that summer. I also started writing a lot more that summer, moving away from my Acton jokes and into more personal material such as my experiences in high school and poking fun at my family. My new material seemed to really click and I started tearing up Humber nights.

After one particularly good showing on a Humber night in late August of 2004, Linda informed me that Jack Norman wanted to meet me. Jack Norman ran the show “The Launching Pad”, which followed the Humber Night shows on Toonie Tuesday. All of the Yuk Yuk’s amateurs performed on “The Launching Pad” show. Yuk Yuk’s amateurs are comics that Yuk Yuk’s shows interest in but feel they need to develop more before turning them pro and adding them to their roster. A Yuk Yuk’s amateur was referred to as being on the “Fast Track.” Apparently Jack had shown up early that night (must have been an act of God) and liked what he saw.
“Great stuff kid. You’re a fuckin’ natural. Has Mark seen you yet?” (In reference to Yuk Yuk’s owner Mark Breslin)
“No.” I replied.
“Well he’s gonna fuckin’ see yah.”

So for the next two weeks Jack put me up on the Launching Pad and then got me a showcase for Mark the following week. I was pretty nervous the night of the showcase. I had heard stories of guys who had showcased 4 or 5 times for Breslin and still had not been “Fast Tracked.” Fortunately, I pulled off a good set and the first words Mark said to me were “Loved it. How would you like to be put on our “Fast Track?” I went home on feeling on top of the world that night,. I told all the boys back at the apartment (5 of us lived in a 2 bedroom apartment at the time) and they all seemed to be happy as well, my classy SOB of roommate Alain Rochefort even poured me a congratulatory rye.

Had I known what was in store for me on the Launching Pad, I might not have been so ecstatic. The Launching Pad was supposed to be a show where the Yuk Yuk’s amateurs would be able to hone their craft before being brought up on to the professional roster. Instead, the Launching Pad shows were usually two steps below god-awful. The shows were comprised of a lot of comedians, a few audience members and even fewer laughs. In my seven months on Launching Pad I can honestly say I had two good sets. To me the only thing that made the Launching Pad shows bearable was the gong show aspect of them. You see in addition to the “Fast Track” comics, the Launching Pad also offered a few spots to open-micers as well. Due to the nonexistent crowds most of us “Fast Trackers” bombed and you can imagine how some of the open-micers faired. I saw many an unfunny man led to the gallows. To make matters worse (or better, depending on your perspective) whenever somebody was just tanking the boys in the back would play a video on both sides of the stage on two television monitors. These videos would feature everything from nuclear bomb test footage to a mobster getting riddled with bullets in one of those gangster movies from the 1930’s. So you’d have some open-micer excreting their terrible rape material while Jimmy Cagney was getting blown to bits behind them.

My favorite Launching Pad bomb that didn’t involve me was performed by this older man who had clearly never performed a stand-up set in his life, but had watched a lot of it on TV. Jack called this mid-life crisis to the stage, who was decked out in an all denim outfit and slicked-back silver hair and looked a lesbian Bill Maher. The man then forcefully grabbed the mic and began pacing the stage ala Chris Rock while delivering his hard-hitting material…about the weather. “Is anybody else pissed off about this motherfuckin’ rain?” he forcefully questioned. “Fuck snow up the ass eh?” and so on. Anyways after four minutes of this guy’s edgy meteorology he stomped off the stage and right out the front door. Jack Norman then reclaimed the microphone and asked the question on everyone’s mind. “Okay guys what the fuck was that?”

Out of all the character’s that passed through during my time on the Launching Pad though, I have two favorites. “Machine Gun” Harry and the show’s host himself, Jack Norman. Machine Gunn Harry is an octogenarian stand-up comic who had made frequent appearances on City TV Speaker’s Corner alongside drunk dudes from Buffalo “Fuckin’ Toronto girls are sooooo hot!” and the homeless. Eighty-year old Harry would usually sit in the front row, fall asleep half way through the show and awake just in time for his set. Jack would put Harry up for his own personal amusement and Harry would rock the house with timeless cut ups such as “My apartment is so small the mice are hunchbacked.” I’m pretty sure every time Harry told a joke he had to pay royalties to the estate of Henny Youngman. Also, I always found it a little ironic that on a show that was designed for grooming young comics, the best act was an ¾ dead 80 year old man. Jack Norman was a shady looking character who was notorious for doing more or less the same act every week. For example Jack would start the show every week by saying “Thank you folks for that heartfelt smattering of applause, all right let’s kick this old lady in the ass and see how she walks across the street.” Bitter and sarcastic, Jack was always a straight-shooter with me. He’d give me hell when I had a bad set but would praise me when I would do well, which as I mentioned before, didn’t happen too often. Sometimes Jack was painfully honest with me. One night I was bored watching the Launching Pad show so I went up to Jack and tried to make small-talk. “Hey Jack, how are ya, what’ve you been up to?” I asked. “Jesus kid you must be bored, what the hell do you care what I’ve been up to.” I went back to my seat. Jack was also infamous for either being or acting drunk at least 80% of the time he hosted. While some people didn’t care for Jack he always treated me well and I got a kick out of his antics. Finally, one week after my 21st birthday I was bumped off the Launching Pad and on to the professional roster.

Jeff McEnery

The Green, Green Grass of Home

Jeff — Wed, 10 Jan 2007 16:00:33 +0000

Well that’s it man. After three and a half years of living in the big city, I’ve finally had it. I’m done. Finished. Gone.

Up until April 2006, I never really liked living in the city, but loved living with my roommates. For a year, while I was attending the Humber Comedy Program I lived with my classmates Steve Oke, Brian Cook, Will Dewan, Andy Auld, Alain Roschefort, Steph Tolev, Amica Hilton, Bob Hills and Al’s cousin Bob in a three story apartment building that we turned into a giant frat house. I have a lot of great memories of my time in that apartment but you couldn’t pay me to live there again. From there I moved into a basement apartment with another Humber buddy, Dave Melenchuk. Dave’r and I got along great as were both pretty laid back guys and huge pro wrestling nerds. I was living a beautiful existence making jokes about “The Honky Tonk Man” at 3am on a Wednesday morning when Dave’r decided to move back to his hometown of Timmins last April to attend business school and date an amateur bowling chick. I’m sorry to say that the two have since 7-10 split up! That’s the worst/best joke ever.

Since that time I lived with “Sobby” Bobby Mair, a very talented, funny and depressing young comedian, Bob Hills and then back with the Sobster and his new roommates Adam Christie and Freddie Rivas. Living with the three was good, but our apartment building was incredibly sketchy. Every night for about two months I used to be serenaded to sleep by the sound of an infant crying. About a month ago, the crying stopped, which concerns me even more. Living with two other comics has it’s downfalls as well. Since a lot of comics don’t have any social lives, they end up spending a lot of their time bitching and moaning and gossiping about one another. Two weeks ago we had a contest to see who could go the longest without talking about comedy. Adam won in less than an hour.

My buddy and budding stand-up comedian Graham Chittenden put it best “My friends back home say ‘How can you live in Toronto? There’s so many people there, everybody must be in your face all the time.’ And in fact, it’s the opposite. If you ever want to be surrounded by four million people and feel like an irrelevant piece of shit, Toronto’s the place to be.”
For the past week I have been staying at my Uncle Paul and Aunt Dawn’s along with their children Stacey and Shannon, Stacey’s husband Jerome and their two kids Jerome and Breanna, my 82 year old Great Grandma and her son Les. I’ve enjoyed my stay but they’re all certifiably nuts and this is coming form a guy who lived with four other comics , a dancer, a mime and his cousin in college. There’s never a dull moment around here and I love them all, but it’s time go home.
So I’m moving back to the A-dot to live with my cousin Dave and my Grandma McEnery on the farm for a couple of months. I’m going to move back sooner than later but right now I’m just tired of living in Toronto.

I’m tired of living in a city where the only time someone addresses me as “Sir” is when it’s followed by the question “Can you spare some change?”
I’m tired of living in a city where the only people smiling on the subway are always three incessantly laughing Asian females.
I’m tired of in a city where scensters shop at Value Village because they’ve been told it’s hip and not because they get their mom works there.
So I’m moving back to a town where the people who wear Hank Williams T-shirts actually own a Hank Williams CD.
Back to a town where the people who loiter in coffee shops on working on curing a hangover not a “soon to be published” book of free verse poetry.
I wander these streets aimlessly, gainlessy Homeless man smiles. $5 latteI work part-time at Sonic Boom!
But my profession is observing.
My mom is paying half my rent this month.
Fin.

Back to a town where I’ll hear “Hey if you stuck around hear you’d get some new jokes for sure HAHAHAHAHA!” everyday.
Which is much better than, “Well you know the Rivoli is a pretty good open-mic but the crowd is sometimes too forgiving….Blah Blah Blah….and the thing about Mike Wilmot…Blah…Blah…Blah….I might try and get up at Corktown Comedy tonight…are we out of fucking milk?….Now where was I…oh yeah fuck Carlos Mencia!”
Back to a town where there is only three places to drink. At Manny’s Road House with your uncle. In the living room with your father or in Guelph with your friends.

Back to a town where all you need to be a qualified hair dresser is a gullible kid, a pair of safety scissors and a lot of a free time on your hands.

Back to a town where the cops say stuff like “You have the right to remain silent fag.”

Jeff McEnery